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[Mushroom Pie]

Um.. yeah. I wrote an essay. 'Sabout Tetris. I think that the game likes me because I wrote this, and that's why I can suddenly score so high at it. So, if you've got time, give it a read, tell me what places aren't funny, what places have groaners as jokes, and overall just tell me what needs fixin'. I need this done by tomorrow, so the sooner you can give it a glance, the better.
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A Debatably Brief in Which is Contained the History and Russian Cultural Impact of the Massively Popular and Widely Played Electronic Game Entitled Tetris

In order to understand what is about to follow, you must first understand this: the earth is encompassed in a magnetic field. Once you comprehend this, you must then realize that there are a number of anomalies in this field. One such field exists in the Bermuda Triangle, and is the reason that airplanes often vanish there. Another such anomaly is present in what is currently known as Russia, the exception being that instead of airplanes, blocks placed in rows of ten are what disappear. This phenomenon is the humble beginning of the game Tetris.

The phenomenon was first recorded in 1432. A Russian by the name of Boris Yelssin hand-crafted a set of ten blocks for his son Vladimir, much to the lad’s joy. The very next day, however, Yelssin noticed that his son was not playing with the toys that he had yesterday been so enthralled with. He questioned the boy, who confoundedly explained that the blocks had simply vanished. He scolded his child for being so careless with his possessions, but because he was a kindly man, he crafted ten more blocks late that night. He set them side by side on the end of his workbench for morning, and rubbed his eyes in shock when the vanished, not so much as a particle of sawdust blowing through his scruffy, Russian beard. He demonstrated his findings to his fellow townsfolk, but they declared it witchcraft and had him burned at the stake. Throughout the next century, a number of similar cases happened throughout the nation, ending only after witchcraft was legalized, leaving the only crime punishable by burning at the stake in Russia the creation of cottage cheese, a law still in place today. However, even after this, the act of destroying blocks by placing them in a row of ten, known as “unetrissing,” was looked down upon. Czar Alexander II described it as “disturbing and unnatural.” Unetrissing never found itself socially acceptable until 1917, during the Bolshevik Revolution.

It was one of the bloodiest revolutions known to us, and the Communists were in an uphill battle. If they truly desired to win, they would have to use every underhanded trick conceivable, even if it meant using such a filthy act as unetrissing. To use it as a weapon? Technology was not yet advanced enough, and wouldn’t be until World War II. But what of using it as a symbol? Immediately the Reds set to work at a massive cultural revolution, something they discovered to be much simpler than a political one. They asserted that when blocks were unetrissed, they in fact ascended to a higher plane of existence. A line was then drawn from this to Communism. Quote, V.I. Lenin: “Just ass the noble cubes come together to ascend beyond this world, so to shall we come together as a people and unetris Russia into the greatest country of all time.”

This propaganda campaign was a massive success, and with the reaffirmation of the people, the Whites were crushed by the Reds, allowing Lenin to rise to power. Even after Communism had found a firm foothold in Russia, unetrissing remained admired and accepted in Russian culture. In carnivals, a game was created where people would drop large wooden blocks from the rooftops, and players would race to put them into rows and unetris them. This simple game ultimately led to what we today call Tetris, though before I continue speaking of the game’s evolution, I find it necessary as an essayist and seeker of truth to discuss one of the darker aspects of this game’s history: its role in the Great Purge.

I will assume that you are familiar with the Great Purge. But, are you aware that it was also known as the Great Unetrissing? It gained this name because after people had been hauled off to prison camps to have their body and soul broken, they were often packed into crates and unetrissed off the face of the earth. This form of execution was preferred because it left no corpses to deal with, and is the reason why even in this modern age it is impossible to ascertain an accurate amount of deaths that took place during the Purge.

On to more pleasant subjects. As I said before, the carnival game based on the concept of unetrising, titled, as I’m sure you have guess, Unetris, was becoming massively popular throughout Russia. It was easily the most anticipated event in festivals and carnivals, and eventually began to grow increasingly competitive. Because witching, witchcraft, and witchery were now legal in Russia, people often liked to honor the game’s supernatural roots by using witchcraft during play. While this was considered unsporting, especially when playing Muggles, it undeniably added new dimensions to the game, and thus a witchcraft-based competitive circuit began. In further complicate the game, pieces were no longer a single block, but rather two blocks welded together to form a rectangular prism twice as long as it was wide. Players could lay five pieces side by side to score a “unetris,” or stand ten up next to one another to score the revolutionary new “ditris,” which counted for two unetrisses. This new difficult and more strategic version was widely embraced, and Ditris tournaments began springing up everywhere, with increasingly higher cash prizes. Eventually, it became possible to be a professional Ditris player, and ultimately, Ditris gave way to Tritris, which involved pieces made of three one-block units, and even more complex witchcraft. However, Tritris was a horrible failure due to its attempt to awaken people to the horrors of the Great Purge by having people climb into the pieces before a game started. After a month or so, the controversy it had started died down, and people went right along playing Ditris. That is, of course, until Tetris was introduced.

Tetris was unique in that it actually restricted the use of witchcraft to one single, though difficult spell. This spell allowed the caster to rotate and move the four-part blocks, called tetriminoes or tetroids in mid-air, lining them up to land in the desired location, making moving them after they hit the ground both unnecessary and illegal.

The rest is, as they say, history. On one rainy day, a disaffected computer programmer looked out his window and saw two witches practicing their Tetrising, and was suddenly flogged with inspiration; what if he used his programming skills to create a virtual version of this game, so that even Muggles such as himself could find joy in the game as they had in the filth-ridden streets of Russia so many years ago? If he succeeded, even those who lived in lands outside of Russia could enjoy the game, as they had never before been able to due to the lack of unetrissing outside of Russia (a similar game was attempted in the Bermuda Triangle, using airplanes, but was a miserable failure). The Americans had done it with Pong, a simulation of table tennis; why couldn’t he do it with Tetris? And so he set to work, creating the amazing grandfather of puzzle-genre video games.

This man’s name was Alexey Pajitnov, but I must ask you, why does the name matter? This was truly no man, but rather a metaphor; a metaphor for a nation, a nation as old as Russia itself, excelling into the modern era, and bringing with it all of the things of which its pride is composed. Real-life Tetris is still played widely today, and because the Muggle population of Russia has been extinct since the late 80’s, the electronic the rest of the world is familiar with is no longer required. However, electronic or no, Tetris is undeniably and inarguably a game seeped with Russian culture, tradition, pride, and beauty.
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[the bunk]

tldr
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[Mushroom Pie]

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[Sharp]

Take the word muggle out of it.

[Mushroom Pie]

I dunno, when I read it to everyone a few days ago, that got quite a lot of laughs... Maybe.
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[Sharp]

I usually can't stand fanfictions, and crossovers are the worst. This isn't exactly a fanfiction, but it is crossing over into crossover zone.

[cyber95]

I don't think it's a crossover, I believe it was just a convenient word, most likely.

Haha, I liked that, and Logan can go to hell.
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.daerps em pleh ot erutangis ruoy otni em ypoC .suriv erutangis a ma I

[Mushroom Pie]

I'm pretty sure Logan was joking.

I dunno if I'd call it a crossover. I think it's just kind of funny, using something from the realm of fiction to describe the real world. And yeah, it's convenient too- no real word means "non-magic-user."
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[Its_The_Sneak!!!]

so Lumines is what teenage russians play at the clubs?
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Come into my den let me hear you cluck
You can be my hen and we can f(Bu-GAWK)
A bite to the leg, it's time to play
Baby, let me be your egg that needs to get laid.
- CEO Nwabudike Morgan
"The Chicken of Lust"

[Mushroom Pie]

*Shrugs*

I didn't research other games.
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[Tacofiend]

I read it too late to critique it but I enjoyed it. By the way, as soon as you get back I'm going to have to perform an intervention on you and and that accursed game!
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[Mushroom Pie]

Lies! Once I get back I'll have wi-fi access and can actually play multiplayer again!
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[Tacofiend]

Luke, drop the game right now! DROP IT! *tazes*
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[panzer messiah]

I really hope you indented

[Mushroom Pie]

I did. It just doesn't show up on message boards.
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