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NASA to launch huge bundle of money into space [Onion]
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Cyberpumpkin
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PostPosted: Wed May 03, 2006 9:26 pm    Post subject: NASA to launch huge bundle of money into space [Onion] Reply with quote

Finally, The Onion echoes my feelings about NASA's cavortings.

Original source with pretty pictures!

Quote:
NASA Announces Plan To Launch $700 Million Into Space

May 3, 2006 | Issue 42•18

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—Officials at the Kennedy Space Center announced Tuesday that they have set Aug. 6 as the date for launching $700 million from the Denarius IV spacecraft, the largest and most expensive mission to date in NASA's unmanned monetary-ejection program.
Enlarge ImageNASA Announces Plan To Launch $700 Million Into Space

"This is an exciting opportunity to study the effect of a hard-vacuum, zero-gravity environment on $50 and $100 bills," said NASA Administrator Michael Griffin, who noted that prior Project Denarius missions only studied space's effect on fives and singles. "Whether the money is immediately incinerated because of hard radiation, or freezes in the near-absolute-zero temperature and shatters into infinitesimal pieces, or drifts aimlessly through the cosmos before being sucked through a black hole into another dimension, it will provide crucial information for our next series of launches, which will consist of even greater sums of money, in larger denominations."

Denarius IV, the fourth in a series of unmanned monetary-dispersal probes, will leave Earth's atmosphere at 36,500 miles per hour—the highest velocity at which money has ever departed the planet.

Said Project Denarius lead scientist Dr. Lou Weaver: "The craft's time-release hatches, using cutting-edge ATM money-ejecting technology, will systematically discharge the currency at intervals of $50,000 every three seconds. Cameras on the craft's exterior will capture images of the bills as they majestically pirouette into the heavens, dotting the black void of space with elegant spirals of green." Until now, the image of money floating in space was available only through artists' renderings.

Far more ambitious in scope than the previous missions of $88 million, $110 million, and $375 million, Denarius IV is a two-stage spacecraft. Its solar probe, Croesus, will disengage from the main craft in October and release $12 million into the sun. The craft, with its remaining payload of $688 million, will travel across the solar system, reaching Jupiter by June 2007. Once there, it will eject the money from the cargo bay in what will be the largest single financial deployment in NASA history.

"This is just another step in our long-term goal to put $1 billion on Mars," Weaver added.

NASA is continuing to perform extensive endurance tests on portions of the $700 million, including acclimating it to extreme atmospheric pressure by deploying a sample stack of $200 million to the bottom of the Pacific Ocean; strengthening its resilience in high-temperature conditions by sealing it in airtight containers and lowering them into the lava flow of Hawaii's Mauna Loa; and replicating the high-acceleration environment of space travel by shooting bundles of dimes out of magnetic-rail accelerators at thousands of feet per second into giant axial fans.

Some in the private sector are attempting their own currency-expelling spaceflights, including Virgin CEO Richard Branson, whose Virgin Galactic plans to eject £2 million from the still-theoretical SpaceShipThree orbital aircraft. Yet Griffin felt confident that NASA is far ahead of its private counterparts and rival state-run space agencies, saying that Project Denarius will be the "jewel in the crown" of taxpayer-financed space exploration.

Although polls indicate that a majority of Americans support the NASA mission, some fear a repeat of 2003's Denarius III disaster, in which hundreds of thousands of dollars burned up in Earth's atmosphere when the ship exploded shortly after leaving the launchpad. Reports suggest that one of the craft's solid-gold money clips failed during liftoff.

NASA officials dismissed the risk, saying that, should the mission fail, the lost money could be replaced by any of the other stores of $700 million the agency has in reserve, and that the mission could be re-launched as early as January 2007.

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Its_The_Sneak!!!
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PostPosted: Wed May 03, 2006 9:32 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

ugh.

If we don't go into space, how are we going to ever escape this tiny planet and rule the universe?
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Otogi-san
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PostPosted: Wed May 03, 2006 9:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm confused. Is this a joke article? Why the fuck would we waste money like that?
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PostPosted: Wed May 03, 2006 9:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I take it you've never heard of The Onion?
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Otogi-san
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PostPosted: Wed May 03, 2006 9:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Nope.
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PostPosted: Wed May 03, 2006 9:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

didn't strong bad try to do this?
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PostPosted: Wed May 03, 2006 9:45 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

*BTG prepares rocket*

Easiest $700 million I ever made.
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Cyberpumpkin
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PostPosted: Wed May 03, 2006 9:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Anyone who thought this was serious FAILS AT LIFE.

Here's a typical Onion article. Sheesh.
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PostPosted: Thu May 04, 2006 12:48 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Otogi-san wrote:
I'm confused. Is this a joke article? Why the fuck would we waste money like that?


That's what NASA is FOR
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PostPosted: Thu May 04, 2006 1:59 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hooooomsar wrote:
Otogi-san wrote:
I'm confused. Is this a joke article? Why the *bleep* would we waste money like that?


That's what NASA is FOR

Its_The_Sneak!!! wrote:
ugh.

If we don't go into space, how are we going to ever escape this tiny planet and rule the universe?

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PostPosted: Thu May 04, 2006 2:00 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Its_The_Sneak!!! wrote:
Hooooomsar wrote:
Otogi-san wrote:
I'm confused. Is this a joke article? Why the *bleep* would we waste money like that?


That's what NASA is FOR

Its_The_Sneak!!! wrote:
ugh.

If we don't go into space, how are we going to ever escape this tiny planet and rule the universe?


Chuck Norris already rules the universe
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Cyberpumpkin
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PostPosted: Thu May 04, 2006 10:16 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

C'mon, folks! Am I the only one who's noticed that a lot of NASA's stuff works a lot better when you add a voiceover of a couple of college frat guys? Just imagine:

"Dude, you won't freakin' believe what we did last week!"

"What, brah?"

"Seriously, dude, we took this big fsckin' rocket, like millions of dollars worth of technology, right? We took that, and we put this air-sensor thingy in it, and then we shot the whole fsckin' thing way up, like, out into space, right?"

"Cool!"

"No, but dude, that's not even the best part! So, like, most of the rocket just blows up and that's, like, tons of money wasted right there, right? But then that air-sensor thingy, that thing's, like, waaay expensive, right? It's supposed to figure out something about the atmosphere or some shit, right? Well, we must'a fucked something up bigtime, because this super-expensive thing just comes crashing down all burning up and shit and just slams into the ground out in the desert!"

"No way!"

"It's totally true, man! And we're all just lookin' at each other and we're like 'Dude, what happened?' and we're like 'I don't know but that was a pretty fucking sweet crash out there! Let's build another one!'"

"Dude, that reminds me of the other one we built a few years ago, remember that?"

"Aw, man, that was fuckin' awesome!"

"For real, dude! We were like 'Hey, let's shoot some guys out into space!' and they're like 'No way, remember what happened last time?' and we're like 'Aw, c'mon!' and they're like 'Fine, whatever!' And we're like looking for some guys to get up in the rocket and stuff but we're like 'Who's gonna go and get in that thing? It's like, super dangerous!'"

"No way, man, it's not that dangerous!"

"Yeah, that's what we told 'em! But they're like 'Dude, the whole thing is a big giant missile, you know, those things that blow up?' and we're like 'No way, it's totally safe!' and they're like 'Dude, what about the rockets?' and we're like 'What about 'em?' and they're like 'The way rockets work is that it's one' great big long fuckin' explosion!' and we're like 'Don't be a bunch of wusses, man, just get in the fuckin' rocket' and they're like 'Dude, whatever, fine!'"

"They did it? No way?"

"They totally did it, man! They got up in the rocket and then we're like 'Okay, fire it off, dudes!' and it was like shooting up in the air and then we're like 'Fuck, something's wrong!' and then the whole thing just went fucking super-nova on us, just millions of dollars worth of equipment and human lives and shit just on fire and flying out in all directions!"

"Dude, didn't you guys get in trouble?"

"Naw, man, they know we fuck things up all the time, they don't care. They just say 'Aw, shit, that sucked, man!' and we're like 'We know, something must've got broke or some shit' and they're like 'Well, that's tough, dudes. Better get to work on another one' and we're like 'Yeah, it's gonna take a few years but we'll build another one, m'kay?' even though we already got a couple more in the garage, right? And they're like 'Yeah, okay dudes! Later!'"

"Wow, man, I wish I could work for NASA and blow really expensive shit up all the time."

"I know, dude. I'm really lucky."
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PostPosted: Thu May 04, 2006 10:25 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I think the last thing that NASA blew up on takeoff was Challenger, and that was the year I was born.

20 year track record, and still counting. Why are you harping on them so bad?

And as for lives lost, I think the total is what... 17? Hey, for that type of work, that's pretty good, especially when you consider the agency has been launching spacecraft for around 50 years. I think our airlines kill more than that amount yearly, and I don't hear you complaining about them.

I mean seriously, NASA's working with cutting-edge technology... they're one of the few agencies that actually design and build spacecraft. Since they have to design and build each individual part themselves, spacecraft are expensive, and so is the fuel to get them up there. Yes, sometimes things go wrong, but NASA's boo-boos are well within acceptible levels.

I'm glad the development of the airplane wasn't left to a government agency. Otherwise, naysayers like you would've crippled the future of the world forever.
Still, look what you're saying now.

How are we supposed to learn about the universe around us if we don't send out machines and people to explore it?
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PostPosted: Thu May 04, 2006 10:53 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Gave me a laugh.

My all time favourite Onion article, if I can find it, is - a hah!

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/29976!
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Its_The_Sneak!!!
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PostPosted: Thu May 04, 2006 10:55 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Zenodoros wrote:
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/29976
now THAT is awesome.
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